Thursday, December 10, 2009

Confession Time

I have a secret.

I'm going to give birth in 4-5 weeks. (Obviously, that's not the secret.)

Here it is:

I'm terrified.

In about a month, I'm going to transition from "that pregnant chick who can't see her feet" to "that new mom who has no idea what she's doing."

Yeah, scary.

I think I've been pretty good about the whole pregnancy thing. I haven't freaked out about anything, and I have generally enjoyed every moment, minus the vomiting in the beginning. That pretty much sucked, no matter how you look at it.

But now? Now I'm freaking out. If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that I like to have a plan. And the idea of giving up that control to someone who weighs 8 pounds is enough to make me have a small anxiety attack.

I know that it will be absolutely wonderful, and most of me can't wait for Tator Tot to get here.

But there is still that small part that is screaming, "Are you kidding me? A mom? You can barely get to work on time! You have no idea what you're doing! The last time you cared for a child for any length of time you were 15!"

I had the crazy thought that I should just keep the baby in my uterus. Because honestly? I think I'm pretty darn good at this pregnancy thing. I've managed to keep my baby safe and happy for 8 months now. And I see no reason why I should fix it if it ain't broke.

OK, I can think of a few reasons why that wouldn't work out very well. But still. I thought about it.

So Tator Tot, I love you, and I can't wait to meet you. But please be patient with me. I'm new at this, and I'm scared. If you could come out looking completely adorable (like I know you will) it would really help. Lots. And if you could cry when someone other than me holds you, I'd probably appreciate that too. (I realize that's ridiculously selfish, but I'm pretty much giving up all of my other selfish tendencies cold-turkey. Please let me have this one.)

Panic attack over. For now.

2 comments:

  1. Aw, hon - I know. But you will all be ok. :) Trust me. All through pregnancy, I couldn't even picture how we were going to manage. And looking back now, there was really no way to even foresee how things were going to work. So I know what you mean about not having a plan. But this time it's ok to not have a plan, because things *will not* go according to plan. :) And I don't know about you, but I get more worked up when things don't go as planned vs. when I don't have a plan, if that makes any sense.

    And I still go through the "I don't know what I am doing!" stuff. I thought it was a REALLY big responsability to pick out baby names. But now, I have to make all these decisions that I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing - when to start meats, when to reduce the # of bottles, what to do when they wake up at night, blah. I just want to scream "SOMEONE PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO." :) So you'll adjust, but you'll still have moments of fear.

    Hugs, C! I'm so excited for you!

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  2. Well, I could have written exactly this same post myself.

    Because the closer it gets, the scarier it gets. But we'll figure it out. Right?

    RIGHT?

    *nervous laughter*

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