Monday, January 26, 2009

Very relaxing weekend. I got to sleep in while my husband (and friends) started building our shop out back. My only job for Saturday and Sunday was to provide lunch for 5-6 hungry guys. Check.

Spent the rest of the day playing on the computer, playing in my scraproom, and watching The Tudors.

Lovely.

Unfortunately, that mean tonight I will be doing laundry and cleaning my house.

That's the consequence of being ridiculously lazy for two days in a row.

Totally worth it.

Friday, January 23, 2009

This morning . . .

I just wanted to lay in bed. All day.

But I have a job.

Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow?

Oh, yeah. I love to sleep in.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Living My Word

Savor.

I thought this was a pretty cool word for my year. It's something I need to work on a bit.

Savoring the moment.

In honor of last week's birthday, here's 17 random things I've savored so far this year.

1. Got a new haircut last Friday. Totally savored having my hair washed. This is seriously one of the best experiences. Love it.

2. Dinner with my husband Saturday night. Savored the time with him, and savored the awesome tortellini in a sauce that was basically cream and butter and liquor. Awesome.

3. Savored my four day weekend. The time to just do nothing.

4. When our heat stopped working this weekend, I totally savored the fact that my husband can build a heck of a fire. And for the first time ever, I built one myself. Savoring that feeling of accomplishment.

5. Savoring the fact that I have a craft room right now and I can just shut the door if it gets messy. Love having my own space, something I've really never had.

6. Also enjoying that my husband is basically a mini space heater whose sole purpose is to keep me warm :)

7. Hot showers.

(At this point, I've typed "savor" so many times that it's starting to feel like a made up word.)

8. I have a job. I like it.

9. My job is only 13 miles from my house. So nice.

10. I totally savor sleeping in late when I can. I LOVE to sleep.

11. Coca-cola. I enjoy it so much every time I take a sip. Ah.

12. Chicken salad from Sam's Club. I am so not a chicken salad fan. Mostly because I hate mayo. But this stuff is to die for. I pretty much eat it with a spoon at lunchtime.

13. The friends I've developed through online scrapping and blogging. There are some people out there that I feel like I really connect with, and would definitely never have met otherwise.

14. The Dunkin' Donuts coffee I am drinking right now. One Splenda and three drops of fat free French Vanilla Creamer. Perfection in a mug. Seriously.

15. Totally savoring that we are starting construction on a shop out back. Not only will my husband have a place to work on farm equipment, but he's building an attached office. Which means that all the deer heads hanging on the wall in his room/our computer room will be going out there. So excited. And I love that he's getting a place of his own too. He deserves it. (Our current office is "supposed" to be his room, but since it's where the computer is, I tend to spend some time in there. A lot of time, actually.)

16. Having the time to create. I love that I normally have an hour or so each night where I can do whatever I want, which has lately been scrapbooking.

17. Writing a blog. So much more fun than a journal. I love getting responses, and I really didn't think I would care one way or the other. But I do! I love it when someone helps me to think about something in a different way. And I really love when someone agrees with me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Birthday Update

So, the big birthday has come and gone and my general feelings of anxiety have subsided.

I mean, really, what was I going to do, freeze time and stay 23 forever?

Not that I didn't consider it, believe me.

Oh, and I think I figured out why that specific number bothered me so much. Before Saturday, I was in my early twenties.

Now, I am in my mid-twenties.

See the difference?



My husband got me, among other things, the new Rachael Ray cookbook, "The Big Orange Book." Now, I've been a Rachael Ray fan simply for the 30-minute meal idea. Personally, she's a little too perky for me, but she does tend to have good, easy recipes.

So what happened, Rachael? I love how she writes about being able to find "gourmet" ingredients everywhere now. Uh, no. You can't. Super Wal-mart does not have broccoli rabe. Or canned San Marzano tomotoes. Or polenta. And Super Wal-mart is pretty much my option for groceries. My farmer's markets don't sell high-quality, hard to find produce. They sell tomatoes. And watermelon. And sweet corn. That's it. Sorry, but "gourmet" is not everywhere.

On the other hand, she devotes a whole chapter to recipes from her mom and MIL. And they look awesome. 4-7 ingredients. Recipes for whole chickens, pot roasts, and other meals my husband heartily approves of. Because there is no way in hell he is going to eat "Deviled Eggs with Caviar."

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Mid-Month Goal Check-Up

#1 – Blog 5X per week. Doing pretty well so far. Of course, I’ve been doing lots of scrapbooking, slapping a picture up on my blog, and calling it a post. But that works too. I like that my blog is part creative/part my life. All the different ways I tell my story, which is why I started this whole crazy thing to begin with.

#2 – Take more pictures. Eh. Sort of. I’ve been taking my camera with me, and trying to capture some stuff about my life. But to be honest, things have just not been that visually interesting lately. Need to improve on this a bit.

#3 – More creativity. I have the Klutz knitting book on order (thanks for the suggestion, Jess, as I am definitely on a 10-year old learning level here). I’ve also been experimenting with some different scrapbooking techniques/colors/themes that I haven’t really used before. Trying to branch out a bit, I suppose.

#4 – Get fit. Trying hard. I’ve been doing Curves and Jillian Michaels everyday (pretty much). I have lost 0 pounds. Damn. But I have to be honest, I feel a lot more comfortable with the Jillian Michaels workout. I honestly feel stronger. Hopefully within the next few weeks, I should start to really see some results. I already think my legs look more muscular.
#5 – Live my word (SAVOR). Ooh, not so much. With my craziness lately, all I’ve been doing is thinking about the future. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to appreciate the NOW, mostly by talking to myself. “Man, I love it when we have a fire in the fireplace.” “My hair rocks today.” “I love hanging out with my husband at night.” I knew this would be difficult, and I’m taking it slow.

So there’s my mid-month check-up. Not too shabby at all. In the past, I’ve pretty much forgotten my resolutions by about January 5th. So overall, a big improvement.

Here’s to goals. And to doing stuff. And feeling stuff. And other stuff.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Crazy Conclusion

I've been evaluating lately. Why am I acting crazy? I think it all boils down to the fact that I like to plan things. I've never been much for spontaniety. My husband, however, likes to fly by the seat of his pants. He'll decide to build a shed, and then just build it.

I wondered for a while whether to post this story. I wrote it down quite a while ago, but the time never seemed right. I think, however, that it's good background for my current state of mind/craziness. So here goes. Try not to judge; keep in mind that I was young.

My New Year's Eve breakdown:

It was New Year's Eve, 2005. Phillip and I had been dating for 5 1/2 years now. He was working his first full-time job; I was home for winter break during my senior year of college.

Phillip was never very good with talking about the future. He preferred to live in the now. I, however, liked to worry. I liked to have a plan. I had goals.

New Year's Eve we planned to go to two parties that different circles of friends were throwing. We were at the age where a celebration involves drinking & drinking games.

Who am I kidding, we're still at that age sometimes.

By the time we got to the second party, I was well on my way to being D-R-U-N-K. I'll never understand why I thought it would be a good idea to drink a bottle of champagne. Andre, no less. (For those of you reading this post who have never known the joys of Andre, prepare to never want to drink it. I am sacrificing my pride for the well-being of all of you. You're welcome.)

Andre makes me do silly things.

We finally wrapped up the party, and headed to my parent's house. Phillip walked me into the garage.

Where I proceeded to collapse into a crying heap of ridiculous girlishness. I had tried to respect his whole "I don't want to worry about the future/when it happens, it happens" motto, but I couldn't take it anymore.

Fueled by copious amounts of Andre and various other liquors, I proceeded to tell him that I couldn't stand the fact that he didn't even want to talk about getting married, like it was some horribly taboo subject. He couldn't look past the next few weeks. Most of all, I was hurt by the fact that he was hurting me by ignoring my feelings on the subject.

Well, that's basically what I said. To be perfectly honest, I don't remember the word for word dialouge. See note about Andre above.

I can still see the exasperation on his face, because he just didn't understand. I realize now that I didn't need him to understand; I needed him to realize that my feelings were important too. I needed him to realize how much it hurt me not to talk about it.

Then Phillip left. I felt devasted that night. For so long, I had walked the precarious line of hiding my feelings and being certain not to mention anything about houses, marriage, or kids to him. Or to anyone else. To him, my feelings were completely irrational. We were happy right now, weren't we?

What he couldn't see (and what I was afraid to say), was that no, I wasn't happy. I had watched my parents' marriage crumble around me in large part because they did not communicate with each other. I had fears, real fears, that it would be just as easy for us to collapse. By not talking about our future, he confirmed those fears in my head. I was afraid that by sharing my feelings, I could lose him.

It took some liquid courage for me to spill my guts (literally, but that's another story) and tell him that this was eating me up inside.

Although I've regretted many times how the conversation came about, I have never regretted finally sharing what was on my mind.

He still thought I was a little irrational about the whole thing, but I needed to put everything on the table. I needed him to know that I had a plan. I wanted US to have a plan. That's just a part of my personality.

Another part of my personality is bottling. I bottle my feelings until they explode. That's what happened on New Year's Eve almost 3 years ago.

Definitely not the high point in our relationship, but an important event for me. Since then, I have tried to be more open about how I am feeling, and why. I have been largely unsuccessful (bottling is not something that can be switched on and off easily!) but I am trying.

Which is why this whole children thing is really messing me up. I decided a while back that even if he wasn't ready, I was, and there was no reason for me not to talk about it or to feel awkward talking about "when we have kids." It's kept me relatively sane.

P.S. Phillip proposed to me 22 days after that episode. He said he wanted to wait until my birthday weekend, to surprise me. (Again with the surprises.) So it's very likely that my little NYE outburst had nothing to do with it. I hope it didn't, anyway.

But it makes me wonder, as I re-read this story this morning, am I unconsciously giving myself mini panic attacks because my mind thinks that it helps me get what I want? And if so, how crazy does that make me, really?

And part of me wonders (the stupid part) if maybe he's going to tell me on my birthday that he wants to have kids? Just wishful thinking, I guess.

Alright, I think that wraps up my little saga. No more crazy talk for the rest of the week, I promise.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Birthday Blues

One week until my birthday.

For many people, this is a time of celebration. And normally, I'm all about celebrating ME.

Not this year.

You know how some people constantly bemoan getting older, like it's the worst thing in the world?

That was never me. I was thrilled to have a birthday. I got presents, we went out to eat, and it was a day ALL ABOUT ME.

Great, right?

Until this year.

I am dreading my birthday. For some reason, the number 24 really is causing me to have a bit of a panic attack. And I don't know why.

My husband says I'm always in a rush. Which is true. I coudn't wait to graduate high school; I finished college a year early; we got married six months after I graduated and were already building a house.

So, yeah, maybe I like to push my timetable a little bit. That's how I like it. I like to be in control.



I've also never understood the desperate yearning women say they have wanting a baby. I've always wanted kids, but I figured it would happen sooner or later.

Until I realized I would be 24. In my grand plan, I wanted to have a child by the time I was 24. Clearly, that's not going to happen. I'm ready; my husband would prefer to wait a little bit.

I think I've just always done things on my own schedule, so this frustrates me. I don't want to wait; I'm ready NOW. Plus, who knows how long it would actually take to get pregnant?

The weirdest part of this whole situation is that I don't exactly know when this feeling came over me. It's like all of sudden, I wanted to be a mom. It's difficult for me to contain that emotion with the logical (and much more prevalent) side of my brain.

And I am emotional about it. I feel like everywhere I look, there are babies. Or pregnant women. Or commercials advertising pregnancy tests.

It's like I can't escape it. Has anyone else noticed the influx of baby-related media, or is it just me? I mean, has it always been this way, and I'm just now noticing?

Maybe I'm going crazy. Who knows? I even used the phrase, "I'm getting older, and my ovaries are going to dry up." Really? Who says that?

Now, I realize that at (almost) 24, I am not exactly "past my prime." Far from it, hopefully. It's just a mental thing with me. My husband doesn't understand; I don't even understand. But the closer I get to 24, the stronger the panic becomes.

Which is really ridiculous.





I realize this is pretty personal, but, hey, this is my blog. I'll write what I want. Maybe some of you can sympathize with me. Maybe some of you think I'm a lunatic.

You're probably right.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Surprises on my Camera

Imagine my surprise when, as I am editing Christmas photos, I come across these lovely pictures that my youngest sister obviously took of herself:







And then it just gets REALLY weird . . .











I think those last two may be of her throat, but I can't guarantee that.

I know, I'm disturbed as well. What a weirdo.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Resolute . . .

I know this seems typical and corny and lots of other words for which I'd need a thesaurus, but I need to be held accountable for my goals and resolutions.

Feel free to comment sporadically throughout the year and harass me if I go astray. I love being harassed.

#1 - Blogging. I have found in the last 6 months that I love this blog. So much fun for me to share my life. I want to try and blog SOMETHING 5X a week. That's quite a bit of blogging, but I think I've already hit that for this week. I'm also going to try to post at the end of each month how I'm doing with all of these goals.

#2 - Take more pictures. Both for scrapbooking and because I really like photos!

#3 - More creativity. I already said I wanted to knit, so that's on my list first.

#4 - Get fit. I did pretty well last year. I'd really like to be at the weight listed on my driver's license (120. There I said it. Gives me something to work toward). My 16-year-old weight, because really, who changes that? I'm only 15 pounds away. This time last year, I was almost 40 pounds over, so I think I can do it. I'm already lighter than I have been in almost 6 years. I do want to lose weight, but I'd really love to be toned, because I've been thin, but I've never been toned. I'm going to keep going to Curves, mostly for the monthly check-in (again, I need accountability), but I want to do more. I started a Jillian Michaels workout yesterday, and I think it is going to be awesome. I could barely do it, and I am so sore today. But a good sore, you know?

#5 - Live my word. I've decided to go with "savor" for 2009. I really like the concept, explained here by Ali Edwards. I want to enjoy my life as it is right now, not focusing on things in the past, or worrying too much about the future. Live in the now. Hey, my now is pretty darn awesome.

I think that sums up my main goals. All are things that I think will increase the enjoyment I get out of life.

Anyone else have some interesting goals out there?